Baby Talk
by Shoujo's Revenge
Summary: Joey has become a dad. When his baby daughter grows up to become a young woman, it is time for him to give her the birds and the bees talk but how is he going to do that when he was never given the talk himself? Only slight MaixJoey
1. Joey's Way

Title: Baby Talk

Author: Phoenix Kaen

Summary: Joey has become a dad. When his baby daughter grows up to become a young women, it is time for him to give her the birds and the bees talk but how is he going to do that when he was never given the talk himself? Only slight MaixJoey

A/N: This fanfic is called Baby Talk because the guys still sees their daughters as babies. In my opinion, that is very sweet. The story starts off with Joey because in my opinion, he makes a funny dad.

Disclaimer: Kazuki Takahashi owns the Yu-Gi-Oh characters.

Chapter 1: Joey's Way

"She's growing up, Joey. It's your responsibility as a dad to tell her about the birds and the bees," Mai said, crossing her arms. She was sitting across from a queasy looking Joey. Who can blame him? Mai had just told him that he had to do something that proves that his little Maiko has grown up. It was funny in a way. After all, Joey had always remembered Maiko as the little girl that would run to him whenever she was sad or scared. He had never really noticed that she was, in fact, growing up to be a beautiful young lady. That's probably what's so scary to him, the thought that his little angel was gulp a woman.

"Why do I hafta do it? You're her mom. You're better at this stuff than I am," Joey said nervously. He was looking away from Mai as he said this.

Mai was mad. "Joey! I already had to explain that her monthly blood flow didn't mean that she was going to die. It's your turn now!"

"Mai, why don't you just stab my heart with a knife? I didn't need to hear about her monthly...thing," Joey said, covering his ears with his hands.

"That thing is called menstruation," Mai said. Joey made a disgusted face and stuck his tongue out. "As I was saying, I gave her the period talk so you give her the sex talk. End of discussion." She got off the couch and walked into the bedroom. Joey was all alone in the living room now. He was grumbling about his socially active daughter.

_I wonder where Maiko is all the time. _

"Daddy..." Maiko said to her spaced-out dad. He was still stuck in his thoughts. _She better not be with any boys. If she is, I'll kill those boys. No wait I'll lock her up in her room first _then _I'll kill those boys. Nobody touches my princess. _

"Daddy..."

_Oh, but she's a teenage girl. She'll find a way to get out of the room. Probably crawling out the window or something...Come to think of it, she's been looking at Seto Kaiba alot especially in those girly magazines. That asshole...He better not touch my daughter...Or I'll..._

"DADDY!" Maiko finally succeeded in snapping her dad out of his thoughts. The latter looked surprised at the appearance of his daughter.

"Maiko! How long have you been there?" Maiko sweatdropped. She sighed while smacking her forehead.

"Dad, I've been here for a while. You were spacing out." Then her face turned serious. "Daddy, mom said you had something important to talk to me about?" Joey involuntarily flinched.

"Right...Something important..." He trailed off. "First things first, tell me where were you today?" He sounded serious. His daughter sighed and answered him plainly. "I was at the Kaiba mansion, daddy." Joey's jaw dropped. She furthered her explanation. "I told you, remember? I had to do a project with Haru, Mr. Kaiba's daughter. Oh, by the way, Haru-chan says hi." Maiko purposely forgot what Kaiba's message to her dad was. She never understood why the two of them couldn't get along.

"Oh, right. heh," he let out a sigh of relief. "S-so how _is _your project coming along?" He wanted to buy himself some time. After all, the sex talk wasn't exactly something a person can rush into, especially when a person has to explain it to their kid.

"It's great but Haru-chan is so lazy. I wish she was more like her dad. He works so hard. I'd like to be like him." She smiled, sitting down on the couch. The nervous blonde man sat beside his daughter. He wished the exact opposite. He didn't want Maiko to start wearing trenchcoats and start challenging Yugi to duels.

"That's good," he said, playing with his fingers. He cleared his throat several times while Maiko looked at him curiously. Joey thought that she was growing to look more like her mother. She had his brown eyes though. She was beautiful. He smiled. _Just like her mother. _The thought almost scared him. Pretty soon she's going to be getting married and having babies of her own. While he thought this, she was smiling at him. He sighed sadly. _Then she's going to leave me alone. I'll still have Mai but it won't be the same without Maiko. I remember when she used to cheer up whenever I give her ice cream. No matter what the problem was, a bowl of her favorite sherbet ice cream would cheer her up. _As he walked down memory lane, he had on a blank look and a nostalgic smile.

"Okay, I'll come back when you're finished," Maiko said to him. He still wasn't paying attention. She moved to the kitchen to get herself a bowl of ice cream.

"Whatcha' doing, mom?" Maiko asked Mai. The latter was sitting at the kitchen table, reading a magazine while absentmindedly tasting her ice cream cone. The Wheelers were ice cream people.

"Oh, just relaxing, honey," she said without looking up. "How's your talk with your dad?"

"Unproductive. He keeps looking at me and spacing out. Then he smiles when there's nothing to smile about. It's kind of creepy," she said, searching in the freezer. She reached her hand in further and frowned. "Aw, no more ice cream." She pouted.

Mai threw down her magazine. "Joey," she growled. She marched into the living room where Joey was still walking down memory lane. Mai smacked him on the side of the head. He came back to reality.

"OW! Whatcha' do that for?" He asked with irritation. He nursed his aching head.

"You are supposed to be giving her 'the talk' and you're in here daydreaming!"

"I wasn't daydreaming. I was thinking about when she was this high," he said, demonstrating with his hand. "Now she's this high." He lifted his hand higher into the air. Mai's face softened. Her hands lowered from her hips. She sat beside her husband and held his hand.

"Joey, I know that you're sad because it seems like she's growing up so fast." He looked down sadly. "I feel the same way, too but you're going to have to let her go sooner or later. Though right now all you have to do is explain to her about the birds and bees. You don't have to let her go _yet_." Mai said softly, squeezing his hand.

He looked up. "Are you sure we can't hypnotize into her thinking she's five? I've been watching stuff like that on TV. I think I can do it. All I need is a yo-" Mai pressed a finger to his lips and shook her head. He looked at her and sighed.

"Okay," he said simply. "I'll go talk to her." Mai kissed him before he got up. He knew exactly where Maiko was. He didn't have to have psychic powers to know that she was hungry.

She was sitting at the kitchen table, licking yogurt off a spoon. She looked up to see her dad enter. "Hey, dad. You want some yogurt..." The yogurt dripped off the spoon. He smiled. He knew she wanted some ice cream. It was almost like a tradition for them to enjoy ice cream...together. Just the two of them. That's their favorite pastime. "I think mom ate the last carton."

Joey blushed and nervously rubbed his neck. "Heh Right. Mom...Uh...Listen, Maiko I wanted to talk to you something important...That is..."

"Go ahead, daddy. I'm listening," she said, looking innocently at him. Innocent, that's how he wanted her to stay forever. His innocent little girl. His eyes strayed from her eyes to the small yogurt container.

"Maiko, if you promise never to get married and grow old with your mom and me. I will promise to buy you ice cream every single day. Deal?" He said all too quickly.

"JOEY!" Mai yelled angrily. Maiko's face brightened.

"Okay, daddy!" She agreed excitedly. She jumped up and down like an excited toddler. "Thank you, daddy!" She gave him a crushing hug. He patted her head.

"You're welcome, Maiko. Now if you'll excuse me..." Joey said and ran out of the kitchen door. Mai ran after him. Maiko stared after her parents. The both of them were running around the house. Mai chasing after Joey.

Yugi, Atemu, Anzu, Honda, Ryou, Otogi, Malik, Isis, Rishid, Shizuka and Bakura stared at the running pair. They were all getting out of their cars. Evidently, Joey and Mai forgot that they invited their friends over for lunch.

"Uh...Should we help him?" Yugi questioned.

"Why? It's funnier this way," Bakura said, smirking.

"Go get him, Mai!" Malik cheered on. The others sweatdropped.

A/N: Ah! I love writing humor fics like these. It takes the stress out of my daily life and I love making people laugh. I hope this was funny. Maybe it would've been funnier if Maiko was younger but for some reason I wrote her to be around 13 or 15 years old. Um...Originally, I wanted to write a collection of one-shots to show how the male characters explain the birds and the bees; it probably would've taken more time. If you ask nicely, I might actually write more. If not, please review this one-shot and you can be brutal.

As for the future, I am going to be writing a lot of parodies...I hope you'll read them. There's going to be a parody of horror movies, teenage dramas and assassin fics that features Mai and Ryou, an unlikely pair. No, they won't be a couple. They'll be mercenary partners and will have to follow the 'rules of assassin fics'.


	2. Bakura's Unconventional Methods

Title: Baby Talk

Author: Phoenix Kaen

Summary: The guys of Yu-Gi-Oh! have become dads. When their baby daughters grow up to become young women, it is time for the dads to give them the birds and the bees talk but how are they going to do that when they were never given the talk themselves?

A/N: 'Bakura' is going to be used for the spirit of the ring.

Disclaimer: Kazuki Takahashi owns the Yu-Gi-Oh characters.

Chapter 2: Bakura's Unconventional Methods

Method: 1

A teenage boy about the age of fifteen years old was sitting at his desk. He was working on a paper on a historical figure of any country. His pen was poised above the paper ready for the beginning of the third paragraph when somebody sauntered into his room. The mentioned visitor was carrying a plate of a couple of donuts and a banana. He didn't think twice about it. His dad probably wanted to bring him some snacks but he thought it was an odd choice of assortment. Who eats a banana _and _donuts as snacks?

"Hey, dad," Aki said, not looking at Bakura. Then a thought occurred in his mind. How strange. Mom usually carried snacks to him, not his dad, certainly never his dad. "Um...Where's mom?" He suddenly found he dreaded the answer. His dad just casually shrugged his shoulders.

"In the shadow realm," he said in a bored tone.

"DAD!" Aki exclaimed, taking his eyes from the paper. Bakura didn't know why he was so alarmed. This was a natural occurrence. Whenever his human wife was nagging him about something, he just sent her to the Shadow Realm. They should be used to it by now. They meaning their two kids, Aki, the oldest and the youngest was Miyu. "You've got to stop doing that! That is not how people deal with things!"

"That's only because most people doesn't have the power to send others to the shadow realm," he responded. Aki frowned at his father.

"Okay. So what exactly did mom do to deserve that?"

"She wanted me to do dishes then got mad when I actually did them," he said.

"You threw them into the garbage disposal again, didn't you?" Aki asked flatly.

"You're wrong, son. I smashed them into pieces _then _I threw them down the disposal," he smirked. Bakura sat down on the edge of Aki's bed. The latter was fighting on an oncoming headache. Most dads would just argue with their wives about this kind of stuff. His dad just send his wife's soul to a neverending place of lost souls. Oh how lucky is he to have a dad like that. "Then before sending her to the shadow realm, she told me I have to talk to you about sex. That's why I'm here now," he said, readying the donuts and the banana. Aki's eyes widened.

"No, dad. That's okay. I know all about that stuff. The gym teacher already taught me that stuff," he protested.

"Nonsense. That school place is poisoning your mind. _I _will teach you all about sex." He got up from the bed and grabbed a donut from the plate. In his other hand, he held the banana. His son reached his hand out to get the donut; he thought Bakura was offering it. Boy, was he wrong. "Okay, first of all, this banana will be your (censored) and the donut will be a woman's (censored). Now normally a woman's (censored) isn't so big but I couldn't find anything else to fit the banana."

_I think I'm going to be sick. _Aki clamped his mouth shut with his hand. Bakura stood in front of Aki and was about to demonstrate the proper procedure of sex. He didn't notice how pale his son's face was.

"Are you paying attention? You have to learn this or you'll never satisfy your woman," he said seriously. Aki reached out and grabbed his leg.

"Dad, I don't think this is what mom had in mind," he said weakly. He couldn't believe this was happening. Just then his little sister peeked in the room. She was smiling when she spotted her dad and her brother.

"Dad, Aki," she said. "There you are. Have you seen mom anywhere?"

"I'm glad you're here now, Miyu. Come in here. I'll explain it to the both of you and be done with it," Bakura said, beckoning her to him.

"NO! Run while you can, sis! It's too late for me! Go save yourself!" Aki yelled. Miyu looked confused but took her brother's advice anyway. She excused herself, running away. Aki was trapped.

Method: 2

"Mom, I would like you to meet my new boyfriend," Miyu said to her disheveled looking mom. The latter smiled and greeted the tall boy. She was still reeling from the trip to the shadow realm. Bakura walked into the kitchen that moment. He was surprised to see someone else especially since he was a boy who happened to be sitting next to _his _daughter. "Kazu, this is my dad," Miyu said to her boyfriend. "Dad, this is Kazu. He's my new boyfriend." Bakura didn't say anything. A golden light surrounded the kitchen. When it subsided, Miyu screamed. Her new boyfriend's body was unconscious on the floor, lying facedown.

"Oh, my god! Kazu!"

"Now we won't have to worry about her getting pregnant," he said to his bewildered wife.

A/N: Bakura's kids have it rough. lol Please review. In case, you didn't know Bakura send Miyu's boyfriend to the shadow realm.


	3. Kaiba, Otogi, Honda

Title: Baby Talk

Author: Phoenix Kaen

Summary: The guys of Yu-Gi-Oh! have become fathers. When their baby daughters grow up to become young women, it is time for the fathers to give them the birds and the bees talk but how are they going to do that when they were never given the talk themselves?

A/N: Thanks everybody for the reviews! I received a pleasant surprise when two of the reviewers revealed they're parents. I thought that most of my readers were preteens and teens so it's great to find out adults can also enjoy my stories. (Do guys read my stories, too?) Although, if you are going to give your children the talk, don't use any of these methods. lol On another note, could someone give me an example on how they were given the talk? It's okay if you don't though (if it's too embarrassing). But if you are willing, just send me a message and I promise to not use it in my story if you don't want me to.

Disclaimer: Kazuki Takahashi owns the Yu-Gi-Oh characters.

Chapter 3: Kaiba's Two Way Guaranteed (to Fail) System/Otogi: Too Pretty/Honda: Highly Disturbing

The First Way: "Taken Care Of"

"Okay, Haru, I will say this once and I will not repeat this again. Do you understand?" Kaiba said seriously as he sat facing his daughter. Her blue eyes identical to his looked blankly at him. She didn't say anything but sat listening to him. Whether or not she actually understood was another matter. The stern expression on his face did not waver as her head turned to a particular spot on the wall. "Haru, will you look at me when I am talking to you?" She turned her eyes to her father once again. He cleared his throat. "I am just going to get down to business since I am a busy man. Haru, you know that I can't always be there to protect you. There's going to be a time when you get a boyfriend then you two will get serious after say...ten years. After that certain amount of time, you will have urges and he, whoever he will be, will also have urges because all men (except me) are perverts."

"Haru?" A woman's voice called from outside of the office. Kaiba looked to the door then back to Haru. She was playing with her fingers. She suddenly looked up as if she could sense her father's eyes on her. "Seto, do you know where Haru is?" His wife's voice called again. He ignored the question.

"Anyway as I was saying, if that said boyfriend acts upon those urges, tell me and I will have him 'taken care of'." He finished with the same serious expression. Haru tilted her head to one side and burst out into a fit of giggles. She chewed on her bib (which bore the logo KC for KaibaCorp) and kicked her tiny feet. Kaiba's face slowly broke out into a smile. He couldn't maintain his serious expression. He got up from the leather chair and went to her. "You are just too cute, you know that, Haru? Of course, anything made by me would be perfect," he said, throwing her up in the air. The baby giggled with glee. When he stopped, she relished in her father's embrace. "I love you, Haru-chan." He said as he held her out in arms' length. She just smiled back and gurgled her response.

"Da!" She exclaimed which caused his smile to widen.

"I think I've got myself a prodigy," he said to himself, carrying her to his side.

The Second Way: "You Will Die"

"Maria, could you tell my dad that I'm going out on a date today?" Haru said to her maid as she adjusted the scarf around her neck. Haru Kaiba was about thirteen-years-old now. Her deep blue eyes and chestnut hair reminded everybody of her powerful and rich father. She was quite a beauty so it was no surprise that she had plenty of boys chasing after her. The problem was that most of them didn't even try asking her out because they knew what her dad was capable of.

Maria hesitated wondering how she should say this. "Uh, Haru-san, someone wants to talk to you about something." She stood aside to let a tall man with brown hair and blue eyes enter the room. The middle-aged maid was mentally wondering how her boss thought up of this ridiculous plan. "If any of you need me, just call my name. I'll be in the next room," she said and bowed before the man and Haru. The man cannot believe he was going to do this. He sighed. This was going to be so embarrassing. The teenage girl looked at the man with confusion. He looked like he was troubled with something.

"Um, are you okay?" She asked him, her eyes peering at him. He straightened himself and stood at least two feet away from him. Clearing his throat, he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out some notecards. He re-read them to make sure and mumbled along with what he was reading. He looked like he belonged to a mental institution.

"OKAY!" He exclaimed loudly and surprising the daughter of the CEO. "I'm ready." He then pocketed the notecards. He cleared his throat again.

"What is it already? I'm late for a date!" Haru snapped. He winced. _Yup, this girl was his boss' daughter all right._

"Haru, dear," he said mechanically. "There comes a time in a teenage girl's life when she gets urges to do certain things but you should always control those urges. The reason is because you will die. If you have sex, you will die. If you kiss a boy, you will die. If you hold hands with a boy, you will die. If you-" Just then, Maria burst in the door and slapped the man in the back of his head.

"You idiot! How can you tell her such lies!" She yelled angrily. He clutched his head in pain and exclaimed "That's what Mr. Kaiba told me to say! He was too busy to give Haru-san the talk and he wanted something quick and effective." They didn't notice that Haru had already snuck out during their argument. On her way out of the mansion, she shook her head and couldn't believe how much of an idiot her chauffeur was.

Otogi: Too Pretty

"Son, there is going to come a time when everybody's going to want to do things to you...because you're my son. You see I am a beautiful man and as are you. You inherited my beauty. We're so beautiful that your mother can't stand a chance against us," Otogi said, twirling a strand of his dark hair. His wife who had heard that comment threw a brush at him as she passed by.

"Dad, you are creeping me out," (1)Pegasus said. Oh, yes, Otogi named his son after his idol. "Shouldn't you be telling me to have safe sex or wait until I'm older to have to do it?" Otogi ignored him.

"We are so beautiful that women and yes even men can't help but lust after us," he said, putting an arm around his son. "We are two sexy beasts." Pegasus mumbled "I can't believe this is happening" under his breathe. "Oh, you might want to carry some condoms around with you, just in case an opportunity arises."

Pegasus looked up at the ceiling and mumbled, "Kill me, kill me now."

"Why would you want someone to kill you? That's just a waste of beauty. Do you know what else I think? I think we're descendants of Narcissus (2)."

Honda: Highly Disturbing

"So this is a man and this is a woman," Honda said, indicating the brown teddy bear and the pink bunny stuffed animal. His son looked at his father like he was crazy. "Geez, couldn't you have at least gotten actual dolls to be the man and the woman? Now I'm going to have nightmares about imouto-chan's stuffed animals. His baby sister sat staring confused at the two males through the bars of the crib. She reached her little fingers out to her daddy since he was holding her favorite stuffed animals. He looked over at the baby. "And anyway, should you be doing this in front of her? She's too young."

Honda scoffed. "She can't understand us." His son sighed. "Here, take the girl."

"Why do I have to be the girl!" He exclaimed while Honda shoved the bunny at him.

"Because I don't want to be the girl," Honda said simply. "Now hold it up." His son did exactly what he asked and Honda started to make kissy sounds. He pressed the bear's stitched mouth to the bunny's nonexistent one.

"This is highly disturbing."

"Mwah mwah mwah. Ooh, I'm so hot for you baby," Honda said which mortified his son. He threw down the bunny and ran out of the nursery as quick as he can.

"Mom, help me!" He screamed.

(1) I just named him Pegasus because I couldn't think of anything else.

(2) Narcissus is a man from Greek myth. He was a human who was so beautiful that he looked at his reflection and fell in love with himself.

A/N: Is there anybody who might want to collaborate with me on this story so I could end it quicker? Just message me for details. Another thing; the future chapters are going to feature Malik, Yami Malik, Yami (but I like Atemu more), Yugi, Ryou (or if you prefer the good Bakura) and maybe Pegasus. If there's any other male character you want me to include then mention it in a review. It depends if I even know anything about the characters though like the three guys from the Doma season (or Doom season) because I skipped that season.


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